


Cold House (of Cards)

by Metecryl (cyberren)



Series: Hanging On (By The Noose Around My Neck) [1]
Category: Pokemon GO
Genre: Other, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-26
Updated: 2016-12-26
Packaged: 2018-09-12 06:00:17
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,219
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9058693
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cyberren/pseuds/Metecryl
Summary: Sometimes, it's the little things that push people over the edge.





	

Blanche has always been cold. Cold to touch, cold towards people and cold with their emotions. Nothing about them burned - not like Spark, who is warm, or Candela, who is on fire. Blanche is cold and that is normal, because they have never been anything else. They vaguely remember a time they try to ignore, when they could cry and laugh freely, but it is distant despite their photographic memory.

Usually, the cold does not bother them. They are used to it, used to the feeling of emptiness that comes with it. The cold has been with them since they were younger than ten, the only constant in their life full of uncertainties and fear. Usually, they can deal with the cold.

But little things started stacking up and in combination with the cold, it was overwhelming. They tell themself that it does not matter if their own team hates them, if their only form of validation comes from science, if they have no one to turn to. They tell themself that the Valor trainer using she does not matter, that the Instinct trainer with he on his tongue is less than dirt. But it stacks up and up and all card houses fall eventually.

That is why Blanche has a phial, filled to the brim with something they would rather not think about, something that they refuse to let their younger trainers near, pinched between their thumb and forefinger. They consider it, consider downing it but think again because it will burn through their throat and that would be painful, but they have been so cold for so long and suddenly the pain seems like nothing in comparison. They raise the phial to their lips-

-and set it back down, heart beating wildly. They cannot. Cannot give people the satisfaction. But the phial is so very tempting, and it would be a small matter to swallow its contents. Blanche sets the phial back with the others and pretends that they did not just consider ending it. They turn back to their number crunching but the phial remains on the edge of their mind, taunting and almost warm.

They manage to focus on the numbers for a while - at least ten minutes - before their thoughts wander back to the phial and they cannot focus anymore. They set down their pencil and take a few steps away from their desk, trying to ignore the siren song of it. They sit on the ground and relish in the coldness from the metal floor seeping into their bones. It is enough to focus them for a minute before they are back on their feet, pacing. Caged. They look at the phial, and think about freedom and now the phial is in their hand again. Their heart is pounding in their chest, in their throat, in their ears and all it does is remind them that they are living, that they are cold, so cold.

Something nudges against their foot, and they look. They are not surprised to see their Umbreon there, worried and mewling softly. They crouch, careful to keep the phial out of reach of their curious pokemon, and pat her on the head reassuringly before telling them that everything is fine. They ask that Umbreon leave to play with her brothers and sisters and Umbreon does, but they do not think to check and see if she went to where she was told.

If they had checked, they would have seen Umbreon going the opposite direction, headed towards the Valor section of the lab.

Blanche inhales deeply, and sits on the ground. They stare at the phial and they think about how warm death will be in comparison to them, and how it scares them, just a little. They think about how this will probably be the only time they will have made their parents happy, how it will be the only time they have made anyone happy. They think about their will, which has been written since they were fifteen and slightly warmer than they are now, how it leaves everything to Professor Willow, how they have not updated in the past nine years. They think about a lot of things, about how they think people will react, about how there will probably be a celebration in the Mystic labs for the first time in a decade, about how Professor Willow's face will crumple and for a moment they feel guilty.

Umbreon heads to the Instinct portion of the lab next.

The guilt is enough to stay their hand. They think about Professor Willow, of how he took them in, how he respected them. How devestated he would be. They think about how Spark's smile may be a little dimmer, how Candela may feel lost without proper competition. While they work with possibilities, they are unsure if those possibilities would be worth avoiding. Their hands shake slightly, and a bit of acid sloshes over the edge and burns a hole through the floor. They stare at it, then at the phial again.

Umbreon and Spark dash towards the Valor portion of the lab together.

Blanche sighs and stands. They cannot afford to deliberate any longer, not when they can see the sun just peeking over the horizon. It is now or never, now before their trainers start coming in and stop them. They raise the phial to their lips-

-and nearly scream as it is zapped out of their hand and crashes to the ground, burning a hole through the floor big enough to jump through. They turn slowly and see Spark and Candela and tears are pricking at the corners of their eyes but they are unsure if the tears are frustration at not being able to end it or fear that death had felt like a fire and that it was still so very tempting. They only vaguely register Umbreon jumping onto their shoulder, only vaguely register Spark's hug and Candela's shouting, worried and frantic. Spark is warm enough for them and they shudder, staring at the hole and now they are crying. Their tears are warm despite them being cold and their heart flutters in their chest like a caged butterfly and suddenly Spark is holding them closer as they cry into his chest and Candela is there too, hugging them from the side and Arceus they feel like shit.

When Blanche is more than vaguely aware of everything, the three of them have moved away from the hole and they are sandwiched between the other two. Their lips move but no sound comes out. Candela and Spark seem not to mind and Candela draws them closer and now it is her turn to be cried into. They feel Candela move slightly, drawing them fully into her lap and the tears come faster, and the sobs are hard enough now to make their entire frame shudder. There is a hand in their hair and it is warm so they do not object because they are still so very cold. They will always be cold but Death, which is a fire, seems barely warmer than themself in comparison to Candela's inferno and that is enough, enough to keep them anchored to this plane of existence.

They decide to keep living, at least for a little bit longer.

 

**Author's Note:**

> This is... far more personal than I intend to ever get again (I say even though I have like 3 or dealing with the same or similar subject matter).
> 
> My personal headcanon is that Blanche's team is made up entirely of Eeveelutions.


End file.
